Shivam’s stay in April & May 2008.

Devi decided that she would be able to study for CA final one group only if she is assisted to look after Shivam. The logical end was her coming to Mumbai in April first week. Devi booked the tickets and came to Mumbai with few baggage and Shivam in tow, all alone. She even had more than one hand luggage so as to match the weight requirement. I was in Lausanne, Switzerland and so understood this by hearsay.

When I returned on April 13th, Shivam had settled down in Mulund and was slowly trying to stand up by holding some support. We encouraged him and he grew bolder. His objectives were the telephone in the living room, the glass top of the centre piece, the door of the show case in bedroom, puja almirah and so on. He was contented as long he had his quota of sleep and nourishment. He rarely sought his mother except in times of discomfort and at night.

He has a pleasing and captivating smile for acquaintances and strangers. His smile radiates happiness which makes people forget their woes of the moment. His initial moments were slow. But he picked up speed later and would rush like a baby elephant at his objective before we realized it.

He had not started eating rice at the frequency and speed of our expectation. He is now slowly eating solid food (rice, vegetables) in larger quantity and daily intervals. He loves curd. He now demands the same food that we eat by calling out loudly and focusing his eyes on the food item. This is irrespective of his hunger and probably more of an imitation of adult behavior. This helps as then he could have lunch and dinner with his parents in the next months to come.

Devi could study whenever she felt like it and perhaps has written the exams well enough to pass. Anand’s suggestion that she could change her centre and write exams here helped as the exam centre in CBE is far off and entails long travel.

We took him to Sriram’s marriage. He mixed well with all and did not differentiate between strangers and known persons. He did not express any great discomfort at Ernakulam heat. The mosquitoes had a field day in Tripunithara, but that did not deter him from playing with his grandparents, periappa and family. All of them adored him and carried him round. He cried at intervals due to no known reasons, but then subsided soon.

Asmita accompanied us to CBE and EKM as it was her vacation after writing 10th standard exam and she loves Shivam. After seeing Pavitra and Asmita, I believe that however much they become modern in outlook , the maternal instinct lurks close to the surface for girls and surfaces when such opportunity arises. I wish to see similar instinct for other distinctly feminine traits (domestic chores, cooking) surfacing with desired regularity

We returned by bus to Coimbatore from Ernakulam at night of 16th May. He slept thru the journey without causing us great woes.

I took him to the ground floor parking and made him sit on the scooters, motor cycles, top of the cars. I made him feel that he is driving the scooter or motor cycle. He smiled at the sense of movement I gave him. Probably he recognizes his travels with his parents in the scooter. He stares at animals with curiosity and has not expressed any fear.

What is most memorable is his delighted smile when he steps out of the house and the beats he gives on our chest expressing his deepest joy in going “tata”.

He is not easy to carry for long distances or time except in sling. He is quite fast in the walker and rushes by pushing one of his legs. His unruly mop of hair falls over his forehead and makes him look attractive. When his hairs are tied, he looks like a sardarji boy.

His favorite past time in Cbe is to remove all the cassettes and CDs. It is a delight to see him poke his head into the small space and remove them arbitrarily. It is not a delight to keep them back every time. He has not started staring out of the balcony. He will soon do so.

Over the years we have watched our children grow up to adults. Anand, Annapurna grew up almost in front of our eyes. But during those days, we were self absorbed. Our own development needs were in the forefront. Did we have time to see them crawl swiftly and grab everything they could lay hand? Probably we had, but never let it register in our mind. I remember paying attention to Annapurna as she was the first baby and live toy we had. The rest of the children grew together or maybe along with us as we were none too old.

Today with three decades of marriage behind us, the miracle of growth of life and the uncertainty surrounding it is better known. The bravado of youth is over and realization that every smile of a baby has the hand of God behind it is better felt. When Shivam rushes, with his hips swinging and eyes focused on a prey, we are able to smile at it. He does not express frustration and moves on to the next prey placidly.

What does a human being see in his or her grandchild? Probably, they search for a little of themselves- a small gesture, an eye movement, sleeping posture, food habits, facial resemblance and so on. Some portion of them seems to live on going into the future.

What do I see in Shivam? I see Devi’s soulful eyes staring at the world in an expressive way. He has Padma’s fathers fat jowls, fair skin probably inherited from grandmothers on both sides, a plump body and a captivating smile. He has some ear for music inherited from is father as he seem very comfortable with some form of music playing around him. I saw him thrusting the flute to Padma and his annoyance when she could not play it. (Kannan had played the instrument earler to him). To me, the smile represents inner contentment and lack of internal conflict and a clean mental slate. He does not cry repeatedly so as to become a terror for those left to hold him. He demands food only when hungry and after decent intervals.

Life never allows us to stand still, but it gives us the freedom to pause and savor some moments of past enjoyments. The last few weeks spent with him belong to this category. The rush to home in the evening to take Shivam for “tata”, his waking moments in the morning, taking him up to the car before leaving for office , his vain attempts to grab the telephone, the newspaper stand and its contents, his grabbing Anirudh’s head are some of those moments.

Children grow fast and before we realize they are adults. They may find our sentimental attachments to these events and moments quaint. But then the cycle changes, they too grow up (Annapurna and Devi are mothers now, Anand a husband) and perhaps find this alternative view not so quaint.

I wish Shanthi and Anna read this piece of writing.


Anjeneyan
May 20, 2008

Growing older

Today I completed 51 years of age. Persons close to me wished me. I have often wondered what is there to be happy about growing older. Is it a celebration of somehow completing one more year in this world or is it happiness on one less year to live on this earth? Depending on the circumstances, either one would be true for most individuals. What are the changes that I have undergone in the past one year or past few years? The few that are uppermost in my mind is given below.

a. My daughter got married four years back. It was a traumatic period as I missed her awfully. Her adjustment period into the new family created its own mental pressures on all of us.

b. I changed my job. It created its own set of pressures. The loneliness and coping with a new work environment was sometimes depressing.

c. The financial situation became more positive.

d. My son Padmanabhan passed CA, CFA and got new job. He quit that to pursue MBA. This did not work out. So he resumed employment.

e. My grandson Shivam was born in 2007 August. He has brought joy to all of us. It is a pleasure to watch Kannan and Devi enjoying their time with him and their wonder at his rapid growth. Can I dream for others? If so, I would dream for a further lot of achivements and happiness for Kanan and Devi. Devi tells me I cannot dream for others. So I will dream that all their desires and dreams are fulfilled and they continue to remain a well matched couple as they presently are- balancing each other's needs and strengths and weaknesess.

f. Padmanabhan applied for MBA admission to ISB and some leading international business schools. He got admission in ISB (which he did not accept as he was awaitng results from overseas applications) and interview calls from Wharton and Yale. I think that is an achievement by itself.

g. I was hugely disappointed when he did not get admission in Wharton and Yale and when London Business School rejected his application without even calling him.

h. He got interview call from Chicago GSB in end April . We await the results with bated breath- dangling between hope and disappointment.

i. The greatest change is in the mental frame of Padma and I. Padma is coping with the changes brought in by menopause with some added contribution from the medicines she takes. I am facing similar mental challenges. It sees difficult to get excited about anything in life. There seems to be little to look forward to. I am not sure whether the next eight years of career or job is going the be the best or the worst part of my career. Somehow, religious activity seems more important than it was earlier.

j. Physically there are the usual villians in the form of hypertension, cholestrol, overweight (79 kgs on a height of 5'7"), love of the wrong kind of food- fatty, oily, ice creams etc- erratic exercise habits. While there is desire to overcome these weaknessess, the actual action falls short- Spirit is willing but flesh is weak.

i. Grandson Shivam is eight months old. The growing up process is fascinating. He is getting acquainted with the world rapidly. We woud like to believe that he is doing it through our eyes and over our shoulders. He is a happy child. He smiles easily. His excitement when I take him out or when he sees me after I return from office is memorable. The way the smile spreads on his face is delightful. I can now understand how father changed after his grand children were born.

g. Padmanabhan often asks me what I would do when I retire. I have not kept any personal interests or activity unlike Padma who has created a circle of activity into which she can plunge at short notice and exit also abruptly. I do not know. I imagine that I would work beyond retirement - based on what astrologers have predicted- which seems to be a shortsighted way of looking at post retirement life. Another thought that I have is that I will get involved with some NGO or a religious group. This makes me think that I would become like those "loud speaker mamas", walking around bare chested wearing a dhoti and busily ordering younger individuals who would have a sharp nick name for such oldies.

h. The biggest change to me is that there are less and less things to look forward to or be happy about. Money, power, position, larger house, success of self, my children, son in law, grand child(children hopefully) should carry more weight in my mind. Experience tells me that every one passess through the same grind of hope, despair, triumph, dissappointment, success in their life. I am not sure I have the strength to witness all that for our children and those related to them. I do realise that I cannot carry them on my shoulders or head if need be and get them what they want. God wants us to be mute witness to their trials and how they emerge from these trials. God does not want us to interfere in it unless He so desires.

i. Is a long life desirable? No. It is not attractive to live to be an old person in today's fast changing world. We should pass away when people say " why so early" rather than " he has lived long enough". Seems to be a cruel way to look at life. But then life is never fair nor has it promised to be fair to us.

j. Would I contribute in some way (not in monetary terms) to the small world I live in? I hope so, though I do not know how.

Most of the time, I look back with satisfaction on my achievements. But that would mean that all achievements are in the past and perhaps there would be no or little achievements in future. So now, past is over. The present is the one to live for- Shivam's smile, Devi and Kannan's happiness, Padmanabhan's progress according to the goal he has set for himself, Padma's good health, the happiness I can give to her and all others in the family- and dream for. The future- let us leave it to God and the world to mould us.