What is the reason for child marriage? It seems post puberty marriage requires atonement by donating one cow for each monthly cycle a woman passes through till marriage . This looks like an after thought/personal belief of some old man who knew Sanskrit and had the ability to introduce it in a convincing portion of some ancient manuscript. If this were to be implemented today, then we would have to look at donating an Aarey Milk Colony (Government of Maharashtra’s diary) or Mahanand ( a cooperative diary) on a regular basis.
This seems too much. No one needs this many cows. So we would use the modern alternative to Go Daan (donation of cow). Get a UP chap living in the vicinity to bring his cow, hold the tail of the cow and stroke it three times and then give a coconut along with betel leaf and supari to the UP chap along with some money. Since a diary has to be given, get three cows and multiply the money in an equivalent manner.
K hails from Tamil Nadu and has maintained his roots in spite of working all over India . He can add mirch masala to any event and describe it in a witty and arresting manner. He was describing how in olden times the “fitness” of the bride and groom for any marriage is ascertained. Most inhabitants of villages use the nearby river or tank for taking bath. The groom undergoes a close, but discreet visual inspection (especially during Aviniavittam- annual festival relating to our Poonal- sacred thread) to ensure that he meets with the essential “requirements” of a martial contract.
The bride inspection is a more tricky affair. They have no Avini Avittam (women do not wear sacred thread) and any way river/tank inspection by outsiders may not be feasible or practical. So at the time of marriage, the groom’s sister has been given the responsibility to assist in wearing the formal sari. This is an occasion for inspection and ‘quality check”. The sister comes out and gives a discreet approval to whom – that I do not know. I cannot imagine that any groom will hover in tension at that juncture for any high sign from sister. Perhaps, the groom in those times has to follow the orders. The high sign could be to parents or some busy body who had undergone such an experience.
This seems to be an earthy and robust way of ascertaining fitness of persons who have little or no idea about each other. If it is extended to today, it would be extension of pulling the hair experience which I had described in another blog.
Religion along with education is big business today. Some of them are quite good at what they aim and achieve. One of them is Swami Udit Chaitanya. He propounds an interesting concept. It runs somewhat like this. God is within each human being. The soul residing within each body is what distinguishes a live person and a corpse. It should be our endeavour to enhance the soul’s quality in all ways (Ambassador car to at least Benz if not Porsche or Bently). The words he uses is elevate the mind to a higher plane where the earthly concerns do not sway the mind ( children’s education, annual bonus, birthday present for spouse, boss’s goodwill or lack of it) . We should slowly insulate our mind from these concerns and focus on the divinity residing within us.
The more interesting concept he propounds is that God is not going assist in solving the problem you lay before Him. If you are made to stand in one place (in lieu of God) for three hours and listen to all the problems of the earthly beings passing in front of you, at some stage you would give up if you have to retain sanity. (Doctors are taught not to get emotionally involved with the sufferings of their patients). Similarly God would not ensure that your child would pass IIT entrance and get admission. The child has to strive for it. Your prayers would assist you in becoming a better human being so as to assist the child in reaching this goal.
I find this a frightening concept as it seems to indicate that I am responsible for solving my problems and God (like the Chairman of the Company I serve) can only smile at you from a distance and wave hand (if He feels like it). Why do thousands of devotees stand in line at Siddhi Vinayak Temple (a very popular temple in Mumbai and a must for each tourist) each Tuesday, if similar results can be achieved during a less crowded day? I remember my brother dragging me to this temple on Tuesdays when we were kids and the temple was much smaller and far less crowded. He used to make me remove the foot wear and keep it at a distance from the temple and stand on hot floor in the afternoon. I used to chide him that we won’t get more punya for getting our soles burnt. Perhaps I was tuned to right philosophy from my child hood.
I end this blog with a joke I read and enjoyed.
Funniest Divorce Letter ever
Dear Wife:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut,had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want anything that connects us as husband and wife.
Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.
Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to Assam together! Have a great life!
Dear Ex-Husband,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.
It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.
I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But then I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.
My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me.
So take care.
Signed,
Your Ex-Wife,
Rich As Hell and Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Saturday, September 5, 2009
SEASON OF CHANGES AND SEPARATION
September 3, 2009
Season of changes and separation.
My father recited the story of his career to me only once. One of the incidents that stand out in my memory is his visit to Mumbai during the early 1940s (world war II time) enroute to Karachi. He attended a job interview in Central Bank of India and was selected. However for some reason (which included lack of family support, relocation to Mumbai) he did not take it up. There was wistfulness in his tone which I still remember.
I have no such regrets. I have changed jobs and houses more frequently than many persons of my generation or next generation. What does a change of job entail? Well, first the chase for a new job. It is a case of journey being more interesting than destination. After landing the new job, submit the resignation- which in true Indian tradition remains a secretive affair. It is slowly leaked within the organisation in Chinese whispers. When confronted, after some humming and hawing, triumphantly inform that you are headed to another planet leaving the rest to stagnate here.
The tedium of notice period has to be undergone. Prior experience helps here. It makes sense to show sincerity inspite of knowing that you are not going to see the fruits of your labor. (Remember the story of the old man sowing a seed for new plant- that is the spirit to be shown). You never know whose feet has to be touched for what reason in future. Express deep sorrow at parting colleagues whom you hardly knew well. Say bye bye and keep in touch with those you really enjoyed working with.
The day for the marriage to the new job arrives. You are like a newly married bride trying to know the rope. Ouch, are there in laws and other hangers on like the mega TV Serials? Can I believe this ever smiling and polite colleague? What has he told the boss about me? (“this new chap is ok , nothing great, certainly not like BK who is a wiz at this job”) .
I underwent this drama in the last few months. Parting with what is familiar and joining an unfamiliar territory is a bit like those Sindbad’s seven journeys in quest of excitement and money and what not. What made it bearable were some pleasant changes at home front.
My daughter Devi rang me on July 18th informing that Shivam- her son- had convulsions and was admitted to a pediatric hospital. Padma and I rushed to Coimbatore the next day and found that the severity had gone and Shivam in his resilient ways had made a swift journey to becoming normal again. He walked up and down the hospital corridor inviting other small children who were in various stages of illness and recovery there from. He made friends with the nurses who came in droves to meet him. The hospital reluctantly discharged after observing him for one more day. Padma, Devi and Shivam landed in Mumbai before the end of that week. Coincidentally, my separation and marriage to new employer was at that time. So I considered him to be a lucky mascot.
Some individuals are gifted with the ability to create a whole new world around themselves and invite all present to share it. Shivam belongs to this lucky category. His large, inquiring eyes, looking with curiosity at the world around him, the confident communication in Tamil to everyone (whether they understood Tamil or not), dragging them to see the drums or elephants on You tube made his an enjoyable company. He has the natural mischief of a 2 year old without being very difficult or uncontrollable. He is cautious by nature and so does not take giant leaps in mischief. They are of incremental nature which can exasperate you without provoking a rage.
Another fortunate coincidence was the job offer Anand- my son- received two weeks back. The entire episode -chase to appointment letter- took place in 4 days. It seemed as though that the stars were waiting for Shivam to step into the house to provoke the changes which they had kept on the anvil.
Shivam has grown physically and mentally. The last blog written over an year back show the strides a human being makes when he or she grows from year one to year two of existence. He does not seem to know what fear is. He favors inclusion of all those around him in his activity. His favourite approach with other children is to provoke them by some physical aggression. I have an one year old photo where he slowly craws near Anirudh- my niece’s son- and pulls his hair and then gives a huge smile. Anirudh is startled at this aggression and goes far away from this unexpected aggressor. Nothing has changed. He still pulls or pushes other small children who are equally bewildered by this unexpected action and start bawling out. There is no seeming malignance in his action. This is pure male aggression or bullying which expects reciprocation. He is disappointed at lack of expected reaction and moves away after wondering why this child is crying.
Padma has spent much longer hours with him. As a woman and as a grand mother her bonding is at an emotional and physical level which we males can only perceive but not reach. Their mental balance at this growing relationship is on a more even keel than mine which starts and almost ends at the heart and only a small portion travels to the brain.
Children grow and becomes adults. The relationship changes and thereby the expectations. To retain the same level of affection and regard we have to put in a huge amount of effort- most of it emotional. I sometimes think that God rations out a limited quantity of emotional quotient to all human beings. If we use it up early, then we have to dredge up from our bottom of the heart to have the same interest and affection a few decades from today. So, how would Shivam and other grand children who would emerge in the years to come be when they grow up and if we are still around? Hard to say. But if the affection the grand children hold for our father is any barometer, then genuine affection begets equal and more love, regard and respect. Grand parents can love without the responsibility that parents have and thus can perhaps be more non judgemental and clear eyed in their approach. Father’s directness and tolerance of Devi’s aggressive and open approach and his reaction is an example.
Devi and Shivam returned today to Coimbatore. In keeping with her tradition, Devi’s return was planned at last minute (due to an interview call for school admission for Shivam). I came early from office and dropped them at airport quite early as today is visargan day for Lord Ganesha after the Ganesh Chaturthi. Shivam wanted us to accompany him inside the airport as he typically never allows any one to go. He wanted our driver Johny also to come with him. I was in tears as the last few weeks were enjoyable due to his presence. Being a new daughter in law at this age in a new office is no fun. That has gone out of the window long back.
All of us will miss him. We will see him again and play with him. But children grow rapidly. The Shivam we saw an year back and what he is today are different. Same would be the case in future. But what would hopefully remain unchanged is the joy he spreads by his presence and his ability to involve those around him.
Season of changes and separation.
My father recited the story of his career to me only once. One of the incidents that stand out in my memory is his visit to Mumbai during the early 1940s (world war II time) enroute to Karachi. He attended a job interview in Central Bank of India and was selected. However for some reason (which included lack of family support, relocation to Mumbai) he did not take it up. There was wistfulness in his tone which I still remember.
I have no such regrets. I have changed jobs and houses more frequently than many persons of my generation or next generation. What does a change of job entail? Well, first the chase for a new job. It is a case of journey being more interesting than destination. After landing the new job, submit the resignation- which in true Indian tradition remains a secretive affair. It is slowly leaked within the organisation in Chinese whispers. When confronted, after some humming and hawing, triumphantly inform that you are headed to another planet leaving the rest to stagnate here.
The tedium of notice period has to be undergone. Prior experience helps here. It makes sense to show sincerity inspite of knowing that you are not going to see the fruits of your labor. (Remember the story of the old man sowing a seed for new plant- that is the spirit to be shown). You never know whose feet has to be touched for what reason in future. Express deep sorrow at parting colleagues whom you hardly knew well. Say bye bye and keep in touch with those you really enjoyed working with.
The day for the marriage to the new job arrives. You are like a newly married bride trying to know the rope. Ouch, are there in laws and other hangers on like the mega TV Serials? Can I believe this ever smiling and polite colleague? What has he told the boss about me? (“this new chap is ok , nothing great, certainly not like BK who is a wiz at this job”) .
I underwent this drama in the last few months. Parting with what is familiar and joining an unfamiliar territory is a bit like those Sindbad’s seven journeys in quest of excitement and money and what not. What made it bearable were some pleasant changes at home front.
My daughter Devi rang me on July 18th informing that Shivam- her son- had convulsions and was admitted to a pediatric hospital. Padma and I rushed to Coimbatore the next day and found that the severity had gone and Shivam in his resilient ways had made a swift journey to becoming normal again. He walked up and down the hospital corridor inviting other small children who were in various stages of illness and recovery there from. He made friends with the nurses who came in droves to meet him. The hospital reluctantly discharged after observing him for one more day. Padma, Devi and Shivam landed in Mumbai before the end of that week. Coincidentally, my separation and marriage to new employer was at that time. So I considered him to be a lucky mascot.
Some individuals are gifted with the ability to create a whole new world around themselves and invite all present to share it. Shivam belongs to this lucky category. His large, inquiring eyes, looking with curiosity at the world around him, the confident communication in Tamil to everyone (whether they understood Tamil or not), dragging them to see the drums or elephants on You tube made his an enjoyable company. He has the natural mischief of a 2 year old without being very difficult or uncontrollable. He is cautious by nature and so does not take giant leaps in mischief. They are of incremental nature which can exasperate you without provoking a rage.
Another fortunate coincidence was the job offer Anand- my son- received two weeks back. The entire episode -chase to appointment letter- took place in 4 days. It seemed as though that the stars were waiting for Shivam to step into the house to provoke the changes which they had kept on the anvil.
Shivam has grown physically and mentally. The last blog written over an year back show the strides a human being makes when he or she grows from year one to year two of existence. He does not seem to know what fear is. He favors inclusion of all those around him in his activity. His favourite approach with other children is to provoke them by some physical aggression. I have an one year old photo where he slowly craws near Anirudh- my niece’s son- and pulls his hair and then gives a huge smile. Anirudh is startled at this aggression and goes far away from this unexpected aggressor. Nothing has changed. He still pulls or pushes other small children who are equally bewildered by this unexpected action and start bawling out. There is no seeming malignance in his action. This is pure male aggression or bullying which expects reciprocation. He is disappointed at lack of expected reaction and moves away after wondering why this child is crying.
Padma has spent much longer hours with him. As a woman and as a grand mother her bonding is at an emotional and physical level which we males can only perceive but not reach. Their mental balance at this growing relationship is on a more even keel than mine which starts and almost ends at the heart and only a small portion travels to the brain.
Children grow and becomes adults. The relationship changes and thereby the expectations. To retain the same level of affection and regard we have to put in a huge amount of effort- most of it emotional. I sometimes think that God rations out a limited quantity of emotional quotient to all human beings. If we use it up early, then we have to dredge up from our bottom of the heart to have the same interest and affection a few decades from today. So, how would Shivam and other grand children who would emerge in the years to come be when they grow up and if we are still around? Hard to say. But if the affection the grand children hold for our father is any barometer, then genuine affection begets equal and more love, regard and respect. Grand parents can love without the responsibility that parents have and thus can perhaps be more non judgemental and clear eyed in their approach. Father’s directness and tolerance of Devi’s aggressive and open approach and his reaction is an example.
Devi and Shivam returned today to Coimbatore. In keeping with her tradition, Devi’s return was planned at last minute (due to an interview call for school admission for Shivam). I came early from office and dropped them at airport quite early as today is visargan day for Lord Ganesha after the Ganesh Chaturthi. Shivam wanted us to accompany him inside the airport as he typically never allows any one to go. He wanted our driver Johny also to come with him. I was in tears as the last few weeks were enjoyable due to his presence. Being a new daughter in law at this age in a new office is no fun. That has gone out of the window long back.
All of us will miss him. We will see him again and play with him. But children grow rapidly. The Shivam we saw an year back and what he is today are different. Same would be the case in future. But what would hopefully remain unchanged is the joy he spreads by his presence and his ability to involve those around him.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Shivam’s stay in April & May 2008.
Devi decided that she would be able to study for CA final one group only if she is assisted to look after Shivam. The logical end was her coming to Mumbai in April first week. Devi booked the tickets and came to Mumbai with few baggage and Shivam in tow, all alone. She even had more than one hand luggage so as to match the weight requirement. I was in Lausanne, Switzerland and so understood this by hearsay.
When I returned on April 13th, Shivam had settled down in Mulund and was slowly trying to stand up by holding some support. We encouraged him and he grew bolder. His objectives were the telephone in the living room, the glass top of the centre piece, the door of the show case in bedroom, puja almirah and so on. He was contented as long he had his quota of sleep and nourishment. He rarely sought his mother except in times of discomfort and at night.
He has a pleasing and captivating smile for acquaintances and strangers. His smile radiates happiness which makes people forget their woes of the moment. His initial moments were slow. But he picked up speed later and would rush like a baby elephant at his objective before we realized it.
He had not started eating rice at the frequency and speed of our expectation. He is now slowly eating solid food (rice, vegetables) in larger quantity and daily intervals. He loves curd. He now demands the same food that we eat by calling out loudly and focusing his eyes on the food item. This is irrespective of his hunger and probably more of an imitation of adult behavior. This helps as then he could have lunch and dinner with his parents in the next months to come.
Devi could study whenever she felt like it and perhaps has written the exams well enough to pass. Anand’s suggestion that she could change her centre and write exams here helped as the exam centre in CBE is far off and entails long travel.
We took him to Sriram’s marriage. He mixed well with all and did not differentiate between strangers and known persons. He did not express any great discomfort at Ernakulam heat. The mosquitoes had a field day in Tripunithara, but that did not deter him from playing with his grandparents, periappa and family. All of them adored him and carried him round. He cried at intervals due to no known reasons, but then subsided soon.
Asmita accompanied us to CBE and EKM as it was her vacation after writing 10th standard exam and she loves Shivam. After seeing Pavitra and Asmita, I believe that however much they become modern in outlook , the maternal instinct lurks close to the surface for girls and surfaces when such opportunity arises. I wish to see similar instinct for other distinctly feminine traits (domestic chores, cooking) surfacing with desired regularity
We returned by bus to Coimbatore from Ernakulam at night of 16th May. He slept thru the journey without causing us great woes.
I took him to the ground floor parking and made him sit on the scooters, motor cycles, top of the cars. I made him feel that he is driving the scooter or motor cycle. He smiled at the sense of movement I gave him. Probably he recognizes his travels with his parents in the scooter. He stares at animals with curiosity and has not expressed any fear.
What is most memorable is his delighted smile when he steps out of the house and the beats he gives on our chest expressing his deepest joy in going “tata”.
He is not easy to carry for long distances or time except in sling. He is quite fast in the walker and rushes by pushing one of his legs. His unruly mop of hair falls over his forehead and makes him look attractive. When his hairs are tied, he looks like a sardarji boy.
His favorite past time in Cbe is to remove all the cassettes and CDs. It is a delight to see him poke his head into the small space and remove them arbitrarily. It is not a delight to keep them back every time. He has not started staring out of the balcony. He will soon do so.
Over the years we have watched our children grow up to adults. Anand, Annapurna grew up almost in front of our eyes. But during those days, we were self absorbed. Our own development needs were in the forefront. Did we have time to see them crawl swiftly and grab everything they could lay hand? Probably we had, but never let it register in our mind. I remember paying attention to Annapurna as she was the first baby and live toy we had. The rest of the children grew together or maybe along with us as we were none too old.
Today with three decades of marriage behind us, the miracle of growth of life and the uncertainty surrounding it is better known. The bravado of youth is over and realization that every smile of a baby has the hand of God behind it is better felt. When Shivam rushes, with his hips swinging and eyes focused on a prey, we are able to smile at it. He does not express frustration and moves on to the next prey placidly.
What does a human being see in his or her grandchild? Probably, they search for a little of themselves- a small gesture, an eye movement, sleeping posture, food habits, facial resemblance and so on. Some portion of them seems to live on going into the future.
What do I see in Shivam? I see Devi’s soulful eyes staring at the world in an expressive way. He has Padma’s fathers fat jowls, fair skin probably inherited from grandmothers on both sides, a plump body and a captivating smile. He has some ear for music inherited from is father as he seem very comfortable with some form of music playing around him. I saw him thrusting the flute to Padma and his annoyance when she could not play it. (Kannan had played the instrument earler to him). To me, the smile represents inner contentment and lack of internal conflict and a clean mental slate. He does not cry repeatedly so as to become a terror for those left to hold him. He demands food only when hungry and after decent intervals.
Life never allows us to stand still, but it gives us the freedom to pause and savor some moments of past enjoyments. The last few weeks spent with him belong to this category. The rush to home in the evening to take Shivam for “tata”, his waking moments in the morning, taking him up to the car before leaving for office , his vain attempts to grab the telephone, the newspaper stand and its contents, his grabbing Anirudh’s head are some of those moments.
Children grow fast and before we realize they are adults. They may find our sentimental attachments to these events and moments quaint. But then the cycle changes, they too grow up (Annapurna and Devi are mothers now, Anand a husband) and perhaps find this alternative view not so quaint.
I wish Shanthi and Anna read this piece of writing.
Anjeneyan
May 20, 2008
When I returned on April 13th, Shivam had settled down in Mulund and was slowly trying to stand up by holding some support. We encouraged him and he grew bolder. His objectives were the telephone in the living room, the glass top of the centre piece, the door of the show case in bedroom, puja almirah and so on. He was contented as long he had his quota of sleep and nourishment. He rarely sought his mother except in times of discomfort and at night.
He has a pleasing and captivating smile for acquaintances and strangers. His smile radiates happiness which makes people forget their woes of the moment. His initial moments were slow. But he picked up speed later and would rush like a baby elephant at his objective before we realized it.
He had not started eating rice at the frequency and speed of our expectation. He is now slowly eating solid food (rice, vegetables) in larger quantity and daily intervals. He loves curd. He now demands the same food that we eat by calling out loudly and focusing his eyes on the food item. This is irrespective of his hunger and probably more of an imitation of adult behavior. This helps as then he could have lunch and dinner with his parents in the next months to come.
Devi could study whenever she felt like it and perhaps has written the exams well enough to pass. Anand’s suggestion that she could change her centre and write exams here helped as the exam centre in CBE is far off and entails long travel.
We took him to Sriram’s marriage. He mixed well with all and did not differentiate between strangers and known persons. He did not express any great discomfort at Ernakulam heat. The mosquitoes had a field day in Tripunithara, but that did not deter him from playing with his grandparents, periappa and family. All of them adored him and carried him round. He cried at intervals due to no known reasons, but then subsided soon.
Asmita accompanied us to CBE and EKM as it was her vacation after writing 10th standard exam and she loves Shivam. After seeing Pavitra and Asmita, I believe that however much they become modern in outlook , the maternal instinct lurks close to the surface for girls and surfaces when such opportunity arises. I wish to see similar instinct for other distinctly feminine traits (domestic chores, cooking) surfacing with desired regularity
We returned by bus to Coimbatore from Ernakulam at night of 16th May. He slept thru the journey without causing us great woes.
I took him to the ground floor parking and made him sit on the scooters, motor cycles, top of the cars. I made him feel that he is driving the scooter or motor cycle. He smiled at the sense of movement I gave him. Probably he recognizes his travels with his parents in the scooter. He stares at animals with curiosity and has not expressed any fear.
What is most memorable is his delighted smile when he steps out of the house and the beats he gives on our chest expressing his deepest joy in going “tata”.
He is not easy to carry for long distances or time except in sling. He is quite fast in the walker and rushes by pushing one of his legs. His unruly mop of hair falls over his forehead and makes him look attractive. When his hairs are tied, he looks like a sardarji boy.
His favorite past time in Cbe is to remove all the cassettes and CDs. It is a delight to see him poke his head into the small space and remove them arbitrarily. It is not a delight to keep them back every time. He has not started staring out of the balcony. He will soon do so.
Over the years we have watched our children grow up to adults. Anand, Annapurna grew up almost in front of our eyes. But during those days, we were self absorbed. Our own development needs were in the forefront. Did we have time to see them crawl swiftly and grab everything they could lay hand? Probably we had, but never let it register in our mind. I remember paying attention to Annapurna as she was the first baby and live toy we had. The rest of the children grew together or maybe along with us as we were none too old.
Today with three decades of marriage behind us, the miracle of growth of life and the uncertainty surrounding it is better known. The bravado of youth is over and realization that every smile of a baby has the hand of God behind it is better felt. When Shivam rushes, with his hips swinging and eyes focused on a prey, we are able to smile at it. He does not express frustration and moves on to the next prey placidly.
What does a human being see in his or her grandchild? Probably, they search for a little of themselves- a small gesture, an eye movement, sleeping posture, food habits, facial resemblance and so on. Some portion of them seems to live on going into the future.
What do I see in Shivam? I see Devi’s soulful eyes staring at the world in an expressive way. He has Padma’s fathers fat jowls, fair skin probably inherited from grandmothers on both sides, a plump body and a captivating smile. He has some ear for music inherited from is father as he seem very comfortable with some form of music playing around him. I saw him thrusting the flute to Padma and his annoyance when she could not play it. (Kannan had played the instrument earler to him). To me, the smile represents inner contentment and lack of internal conflict and a clean mental slate. He does not cry repeatedly so as to become a terror for those left to hold him. He demands food only when hungry and after decent intervals.
Life never allows us to stand still, but it gives us the freedom to pause and savor some moments of past enjoyments. The last few weeks spent with him belong to this category. The rush to home in the evening to take Shivam for “tata”, his waking moments in the morning, taking him up to the car before leaving for office , his vain attempts to grab the telephone, the newspaper stand and its contents, his grabbing Anirudh’s head are some of those moments.
Children grow fast and before we realize they are adults. They may find our sentimental attachments to these events and moments quaint. But then the cycle changes, they too grow up (Annapurna and Devi are mothers now, Anand a husband) and perhaps find this alternative view not so quaint.
I wish Shanthi and Anna read this piece of writing.
Anjeneyan
May 20, 2008
Monday, May 5, 2008
Growing older
Today I completed 51 years of age. Persons close to me wished me. I have often wondered what is there to be happy about growing older. Is it a celebration of somehow completing one more year in this world or is it happiness on one less year to live on this earth? Depending on the circumstances, either one would be true for most individuals. What are the changes that I have undergone in the past one year or past few years? The few that are uppermost in my mind is given below.
a. My daughter got married four years back. It was a traumatic period as I missed her awfully. Her adjustment period into the new family created its own mental pressures on all of us.
b. I changed my job. It created its own set of pressures. The loneliness and coping with a new work environment was sometimes depressing.
c. The financial situation became more positive.
d. My son Padmanabhan passed CA, CFA and got new job. He quit that to pursue MBA. This did not work out. So he resumed employment.
e. My grandson Shivam was born in 2007 August. He has brought joy to all of us. It is a pleasure to watch Kannan and Devi enjoying their time with him and their wonder at his rapid growth. Can I dream for others? If so, I would dream for a further lot of achivements and happiness for Kanan and Devi. Devi tells me I cannot dream for others. So I will dream that all their desires and dreams are fulfilled and they continue to remain a well matched couple as they presently are- balancing each other's needs and strengths and weaknesess.
f. Padmanabhan applied for MBA admission to ISB and some leading international business schools. He got admission in ISB (which he did not accept as he was awaitng results from overseas applications) and interview calls from Wharton and Yale. I think that is an achievement by itself.
g. I was hugely disappointed when he did not get admission in Wharton and Yale and when London Business School rejected his application without even calling him.
h. He got interview call from Chicago GSB in end April . We await the results with bated breath- dangling between hope and disappointment.
i. The greatest change is in the mental frame of Padma and I. Padma is coping with the changes brought in by menopause with some added contribution from the medicines she takes. I am facing similar mental challenges. It sees difficult to get excited about anything in life. There seems to be little to look forward to. I am not sure whether the next eight years of career or job is going the be the best or the worst part of my career. Somehow, religious activity seems more important than it was earlier.
j. Physically there are the usual villians in the form of hypertension, cholestrol, overweight (79 kgs on a height of 5'7"), love of the wrong kind of food- fatty, oily, ice creams etc- erratic exercise habits. While there is desire to overcome these weaknessess, the actual action falls short- Spirit is willing but flesh is weak.
i. Grandson Shivam is eight months old. The growing up process is fascinating. He is getting acquainted with the world rapidly. We woud like to believe that he is doing it through our eyes and over our shoulders. He is a happy child. He smiles easily. His excitement when I take him out or when he sees me after I return from office is memorable. The way the smile spreads on his face is delightful. I can now understand how father changed after his grand children were born.
g. Padmanabhan often asks me what I would do when I retire. I have not kept any personal interests or activity unlike Padma who has created a circle of activity into which she can plunge at short notice and exit also abruptly. I do not know. I imagine that I would work beyond retirement - based on what astrologers have predicted- which seems to be a shortsighted way of looking at post retirement life. Another thought that I have is that I will get involved with some NGO or a religious group. This makes me think that I would become like those "loud speaker mamas", walking around bare chested wearing a dhoti and busily ordering younger individuals who would have a sharp nick name for such oldies.
h. The biggest change to me is that there are less and less things to look forward to or be happy about. Money, power, position, larger house, success of self, my children, son in law, grand child(children hopefully) should carry more weight in my mind. Experience tells me that every one passess through the same grind of hope, despair, triumph, dissappointment, success in their life. I am not sure I have the strength to witness all that for our children and those related to them. I do realise that I cannot carry them on my shoulders or head if need be and get them what they want. God wants us to be mute witness to their trials and how they emerge from these trials. God does not want us to interfere in it unless He so desires.
i. Is a long life desirable? No. It is not attractive to live to be an old person in today's fast changing world. We should pass away when people say " why so early" rather than " he has lived long enough". Seems to be a cruel way to look at life. But then life is never fair nor has it promised to be fair to us.
j. Would I contribute in some way (not in monetary terms) to the small world I live in? I hope so, though I do not know how.
Most of the time, I look back with satisfaction on my achievements. But that would mean that all achievements are in the past and perhaps there would be no or little achievements in future. So now, past is over. The present is the one to live for- Shivam's smile, Devi and Kannan's happiness, Padmanabhan's progress according to the goal he has set for himself, Padma's good health, the happiness I can give to her and all others in the family- and dream for. The future- let us leave it to God and the world to mould us.
Monday, May 28, 2007
Carrer obsession.
Do we need to be obsessed about our career or do we just need to ensure that we have a job and do it well? Isn't a good job synonymous with a successful career?
When we started out in the employment field in India thirty years back, job was a luxury and career a word in dictionary. Better qualifications got you a better job- a more secure job. The first thing that was mentioned on getting a job was that xxx has got a secure job. Today's generation would be puzzled by this obsession, as job insecurity ( for a skilled and young individual in India ) is not on the horizon.
When does job translate into career? I believe that gaining expertise and higher responsibilities in one's chosen area or allied area of expertise on a continuous basis would translate a job into career. Doing a function mechanically needing limited application of mind would perhaps indicate that stagnation has begun. Another indication would be when your immediate Superior's job seems attractive, easy to do and more importantly having self confidence to do it well.
Do we need to be obsessed with career? In other words, is career different from our employment with the present organisation? In today's circumstances career obsession seems to be a pre requisite for success. In today's changing times, every organisation demands skills and talents relevant to today and not yesterday or day before. We are as good as our last victory (like our cricket team). If we do not measure up to the tomorrow's need, then in comes a rank outsider who is seen to have those skills. Yesterday's heroes or heroines are now to follow the new leader or well .... look elsewhere.
In such a situation what does an individual do? I believe that he or she has to continually upgrade their skills so as to be relevant to today and tomorrow. Age has nothing to do with it. It would be incorrect to say that "I am too old to learn new tricks. In my time we used to.........". These kind or dialogues would draw embarrassed silence only.
Is not the organisation responsible too? Does it have to be obsessed with its own success and survival and not care for the people who were responsible for this? Yes, it also has its responsibilities. It has to nurture and grow people who lack the obvious skills, but with some assistance could be re-deployed suitably and prove to be assets in changed circumstances also. This requires visionary skills at upper and middle levels of management and listening ability. Also the appraisal system should be have a core of honesty which has creditability within the organisation and which would inform the correct situation so far as the individual is concerned.
Well, what would you say to your young cousin who has started to examine new openings within a month of taking up a new assignment? I would say focus on career, upgrading of skills, higher levels of responsibilities, exposure to new areas and opportunities for a larger contribution to the organisation would be the key to the decision.
What do you feel? I would love to get responses to the above views- especially from the younger generation.
When we started out in the employment field in India thirty years back, job was a luxury and career a word in dictionary. Better qualifications got you a better job- a more secure job. The first thing that was mentioned on getting a job was that xxx has got a secure job. Today's generation would be puzzled by this obsession, as job insecurity ( for a skilled and young individual in India ) is not on the horizon.
When does job translate into career? I believe that gaining expertise and higher responsibilities in one's chosen area or allied area of expertise on a continuous basis would translate a job into career. Doing a function mechanically needing limited application of mind would perhaps indicate that stagnation has begun. Another indication would be when your immediate Superior's job seems attractive, easy to do and more importantly having self confidence to do it well.
Do we need to be obsessed with career? In other words, is career different from our employment with the present organisation? In today's circumstances career obsession seems to be a pre requisite for success. In today's changing times, every organisation demands skills and talents relevant to today and not yesterday or day before. We are as good as our last victory (like our cricket team). If we do not measure up to the tomorrow's need, then in comes a rank outsider who is seen to have those skills. Yesterday's heroes or heroines are now to follow the new leader or well .... look elsewhere.
In such a situation what does an individual do? I believe that he or she has to continually upgrade their skills so as to be relevant to today and tomorrow. Age has nothing to do with it. It would be incorrect to say that "I am too old to learn new tricks. In my time we used to.........". These kind or dialogues would draw embarrassed silence only.
Is not the organisation responsible too? Does it have to be obsessed with its own success and survival and not care for the people who were responsible for this? Yes, it also has its responsibilities. It has to nurture and grow people who lack the obvious skills, but with some assistance could be re-deployed suitably and prove to be assets in changed circumstances also. This requires visionary skills at upper and middle levels of management and listening ability. Also the appraisal system should be have a core of honesty which has creditability within the organisation and which would inform the correct situation so far as the individual is concerned.
Well, what would you say to your young cousin who has started to examine new openings within a month of taking up a new assignment? I would say focus on career, upgrading of skills, higher levels of responsibilities, exposure to new areas and opportunities for a larger contribution to the organisation would be the key to the decision.
What do you feel? I would love to get responses to the above views- especially from the younger generation.
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