Growing older

Today I completed 51 years of age. Persons close to me wished me. I have often wondered what is there to be happy about growing older. Is it a celebration of somehow completing one more year in this world or is it happiness on one less year to live on this earth? Depending on the circumstances, either one would be true for most individuals. What are the changes that I have undergone in the past one year or past few years? The few that are uppermost in my mind is given below.

a. My daughter got married four years back. It was a traumatic period as I missed her awfully. Her adjustment period into the new family created its own mental pressures on all of us.

b. I changed my job. It created its own set of pressures. The loneliness and coping with a new work environment was sometimes depressing.

c. The financial situation became more positive.

d. My son Padmanabhan passed CA, CFA and got new job. He quit that to pursue MBA. This did not work out. So he resumed employment.

e. My grandson Shivam was born in 2007 August. He has brought joy to all of us. It is a pleasure to watch Kannan and Devi enjoying their time with him and their wonder at his rapid growth. Can I dream for others? If so, I would dream for a further lot of achivements and happiness for Kanan and Devi. Devi tells me I cannot dream for others. So I will dream that all their desires and dreams are fulfilled and they continue to remain a well matched couple as they presently are- balancing each other's needs and strengths and weaknesess.

f. Padmanabhan applied for MBA admission to ISB and some leading international business schools. He got admission in ISB (which he did not accept as he was awaitng results from overseas applications) and interview calls from Wharton and Yale. I think that is an achievement by itself.

g. I was hugely disappointed when he did not get admission in Wharton and Yale and when London Business School rejected his application without even calling him.

h. He got interview call from Chicago GSB in end April . We await the results with bated breath- dangling between hope and disappointment.

i. The greatest change is in the mental frame of Padma and I. Padma is coping with the changes brought in by menopause with some added contribution from the medicines she takes. I am facing similar mental challenges. It sees difficult to get excited about anything in life. There seems to be little to look forward to. I am not sure whether the next eight years of career or job is going the be the best or the worst part of my career. Somehow, religious activity seems more important than it was earlier.

j. Physically there are the usual villians in the form of hypertension, cholestrol, overweight (79 kgs on a height of 5'7"), love of the wrong kind of food- fatty, oily, ice creams etc- erratic exercise habits. While there is desire to overcome these weaknessess, the actual action falls short- Spirit is willing but flesh is weak.

i. Grandson Shivam is eight months old. The growing up process is fascinating. He is getting acquainted with the world rapidly. We woud like to believe that he is doing it through our eyes and over our shoulders. He is a happy child. He smiles easily. His excitement when I take him out or when he sees me after I return from office is memorable. The way the smile spreads on his face is delightful. I can now understand how father changed after his grand children were born.

g. Padmanabhan often asks me what I would do when I retire. I have not kept any personal interests or activity unlike Padma who has created a circle of activity into which she can plunge at short notice and exit also abruptly. I do not know. I imagine that I would work beyond retirement - based on what astrologers have predicted- which seems to be a shortsighted way of looking at post retirement life. Another thought that I have is that I will get involved with some NGO or a religious group. This makes me think that I would become like those "loud speaker mamas", walking around bare chested wearing a dhoti and busily ordering younger individuals who would have a sharp nick name for such oldies.

h. The biggest change to me is that there are less and less things to look forward to or be happy about. Money, power, position, larger house, success of self, my children, son in law, grand child(children hopefully) should carry more weight in my mind. Experience tells me that every one passess through the same grind of hope, despair, triumph, dissappointment, success in their life. I am not sure I have the strength to witness all that for our children and those related to them. I do realise that I cannot carry them on my shoulders or head if need be and get them what they want. God wants us to be mute witness to their trials and how they emerge from these trials. God does not want us to interfere in it unless He so desires.

i. Is a long life desirable? No. It is not attractive to live to be an old person in today's fast changing world. We should pass away when people say " why so early" rather than " he has lived long enough". Seems to be a cruel way to look at life. But then life is never fair nor has it promised to be fair to us.

j. Would I contribute in some way (not in monetary terms) to the small world I live in? I hope so, though I do not know how.

Most of the time, I look back with satisfaction on my achievements. But that would mean that all achievements are in the past and perhaps there would be no or little achievements in future. So now, past is over. The present is the one to live for- Shivam's smile, Devi and Kannan's happiness, Padmanabhan's progress according to the goal he has set for himself, Padma's good health, the happiness I can give to her and all others in the family- and dream for. The future- let us leave it to God and the world to mould us.